I've been needing to get this off of my head, and it'll probably be deleted later on because of how irrelevent and stupid it's going to sound. But for the past.....I don't even know how long I've had this bouncing around in my head, and although I've completely overcome and forgotten the situation, because I just don't care about it anymore, these unsaid words are still amongst my mind. It makes me bitter. Angry. More angry than I can exlpain. I don't understand it. I'm over it. Over it all but when I think about this....I just get angry. Angry and bitter and just.....foul.

This of course is about my exgirlfriend. Our relationship ended on a good note, but that was only because I was too damn kind to point out the obvious. I was too damn stupid to open my mouth and become 'the bad guy' for voicing my own damn opinion. Now, I'm not sad that I lost her. Ohhhh not at all. In fact, I'm better off without her. Much better. It's been what? Three or fourth months at the most since we stopped talking. In the beginning, yeah, sure, I was sad, I was willing to do anything.....but now? Now if I could change one thing I would just remove this bitter feeling lingering in my head. I hope voicing my thoughts here will do so....

So....obviously whomever has read this far is wondering just what the hell happened between us....well....I could explain, but I'd have to go back to the beginning.....when we first met she was with another guy. Been with him for seven months. And he was good in the beginning [or so I'm told] but then after that he started treating her badly. He'd read her text messages on her phone and say that he didn't trust her, he'd just do a bunch of stupid things like that and he was the emoist son of a bitch I have ever met. My god all that kid could do was cry when he didn't get his way.

Well....she eventually left him and he commented on her being weak or whatever......then....a while after that we started dating. Now through out our entire relationship he's commenting on how he "feels like he got stabbed in the heart" and blah blah emo, blah blah emo, whine, whine, tears and blood and whatnot. He even cut himself a good number of times. Now this.....this was the most pathetic attempt I have ever witnessed for someone to try and call attention to themselves and......basically try to make her feel bad and start dating him again. Dude. Grow the fuck up. You have two options. Grow a set of balls or use a bigger knife. Because this little whining emo shit is just pathetic. Seriously. It's for the birds, man, it really is. Stop trying to call attention to yourself. Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you. Just grow the fuck up!!!!

And.....the most pathetic part isn't that he was doing this little song and dance.....no. The most pathetic part? Is that it worked. She lived in Colorado, I was spending the summer in Georgia.....and I flew over there to visit her. From Atlanta...to Denver. I flew over halfway across the fucking country just to see her face for a week. Not that it mattered to her or anything. And y'know what? Halfway through the week it ended. No it didn't technically 'end' but pretty much it was over. Because she spent the second half of the week obsessing over him, talking to him. I might as well have not even been there as far as the way she treated me was concerned I was practiclaly ignored for a whole day while she texted him. But no....I was the good guy. I kept my mouth shut. I had to be the good boyfriend who would accept being treated like shit so his girlfriend would be happy. Not that it mattered to her or anything.

Then after a little scene when he shows up while we're at the movies she tells me that she 'still loves him' and.....where most boyfriends would've just drawn the line right there......I held her hand and told her I was still there for her. That I still loved her. I knew I was going to lose her, but I didn't care! I still stood by her. Because that's what a good boyfriend does. But whatever.

So then....she spent the next week......god I can't believe I didn't see this.....making a fucking game out of the whole thing. Making it some sort of competition. All the while she already knew she was going to be with him. She just let me think otherwise. How the fuck can you do that to someone? That's inhumane. And where most boyfriends would've just walked the fuck away.....I was a good little lab rat....I ran through the maze and tried to find the cheese. I danced to her fucking tune like a damn puppet. I was fucking pathetic.

So finally she choses......she says she wants me.

Three days later she changes her mind. She tells me

"I need some time alone. Not to date anyone. To be single fora while so I can better get to know myself."

She set the bait....

"It's okay, I understand."

I bite.

A week later? I find out she's dating him.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

God I'm a fucking idiot. I really am. If I had any sense whatsoever I would've left long before then. But no. I had to do what I thought was better for her. I put my own fucking feelings and pain aside to prove that I was reliable and that she could count on me. And it was all a waste. Because I was irrelevant to her.

I spent the next few weeks being depressed over it, though I rarely said anything about it. Rarely allowed it to show. Because unlike that sick fuck I wasn't going to try to pitty her into coming back to me. I wasn't going to tell her that I felt like I was stabbed in the heart. No, because that would've interfered with her happiness. And I cared to fucking much about her to let that happen. So I just told myself to suck it the fuck up and suffer in silence. That way she wouldn't have me interfering with her happiness. Again, I'm throwing my own fucking feelings aside for her. A worthless and pathetic attempt to treat her right....and I'm not even dating her at this point, I have all rights to treat her badly....but....I still don't.

And I decided that she was important enough to me that I was going to wait until that fuckbag screwed up again. And he did a few times. They weren't even dating for a week when he did his first one....but y'know what? She was worse than I was. Seriously. He has her wrapped around his finger so tightly.....it's pathetic. It doesn't matter what he does. Doesn't matter what lies he gives her. What he says to her. He could do anything he wanted to her and get away with it. No matter how bad it is. No matter how much it hurts her. She doesn't have enough self-respect to stand up for herself. Because she's dependant on him for happiness. She NEEDS him like an addict needs a hit.

I on the other hand? I realized the error in my ways while I was 'waiting'. I realized that if I was worth that little to her? If she really cared about me that little? That no relationship it could promise would be worth the pain I'd have to deal with. We weren't even in a relationship to begin with, honestly. No. A relationship is two people striving to make something work. There was none of that in ours. I was the only one striving. And she wouldn't work with me, so I fought enough for the both of us. And it still wasn't enough. Because she was too busy obsessing over him and trying to make him happy and....all the while he just ate it all up. Continued saying these little emo statements that sound like they came out of a hallmark card, so she would feel bad. I don't really know which of them was more pathetic.

No...I do.

It was me. I was the most pathetic one. Because I stayed there and put up with it. Because I thought if I showed her I'd go through it all for her, that maybe she'd start working with me. So I fought....and everytime I wanted to scream I bit my tounge. And I gave it everything I had. And then it gave it more. I'd push until I'd fall. And then I'd get back up and push some more. She didn't care. He was the object of her obsession.

If she just had feelings for another guy and would rather be with him? Fine. I understand. I really do. I wouldn't be mad about that. That's not what angers me. It's the games she played with me. The lies she fed me. The bullshit and flat-out disrespect and discontent she treated me with. It was an insult to my intellegance and my feelings. And something else I didn't notice until recently.

I was the good boyfriend. The kind that would always take care of her....the kind that gave her a blanket he never wanted to lose [as pathetic as that sounds] and tells her it'll keep her warm when he isn't there to hold her. Damn, I loved that little Batman blanket. I NEVER wanted to give it up. But that changed when we started dating. I wanted her to have it. Because I loved her, and I wanted her to be able to hold it and wrap herself in it whenever she was cold and like......again as pathetic as it sounds....a part of me was there holding her. Waste of a good blanket.

And she used that. All of it. Everything I did. She used ME. As the good boyfriend who'd take care of her. She just fucking used me to fill the emotional void of dejection she had been feeling from him towards the end of their relationship. Because there's no way you can do that to someone and actually care about them. There just isn't.

That angers me, and I hate her for it. I'll never let someone fucking manipulate me like that again. Fuck that. I'll find a girl that can say "I love you" and not use it as a tether to hold me close when she needs someone to clean the mess other people made, I'll find someone who can fucking say it and mean it. I'm so fucking sick of being everyone's fucking fail-safe. Their god damn fall-back. I just want someone to give a fuck for once.

Fuck that. And fuck you. I can't believe you would be so damn inconsiderate. So damn cruel and just....self-centered. I mean if you had just told me. Just told me and been honest....I would've understood. But the games? The manipulation? The lies? No. I don't play that. I wash my hands of that. And I wash my hands of you.

Of course she'll never see that. She doesn't have a DA. Not that I know of anyways. But again.....I'm over it. I really am. I'm over her. I realize everything she did to me...and that I let it happen...and now I have no emotion left for her....occasionally I'll see pictures of her and miss her....but then I remember that it was just a lie. It wasn't real. So there is nothing to miss.

I just needed to write this. And hopefully get the last trace of her poison out of my head.

I'll find someone better someday. Until then? I'm set with the way I am. I'm happy and content. And I'm better off without her. I'll find love another day. Another way. And that love will be returned to me by that person. But....this? No. I'm done. I should've walked away sooner. But regardless, it's done with now. Does she care? Doubt it. Do I? Hell no. She pushed me away. I'm tired of pushing back. She can have it her way now. I'm gone.